For the grieving.

Or the soon-to-be.

This is my grief season.

Some people call it fall or autumn. Other people might call it the pre-season for The Holidays (The Holidays being one of the premier emotional sporting events of the year). But this is my season of sadness and loss.

A baby, at 11 weeks and 6 days. A father (mine, to be clear). A husband (also mine).

Bam. Bam. Bam.

That was the sound of my head banging against a wall, hoping for self-inflicted, selective memory loss. I did not want to lose another bit of any of them, but my brain could only remember the horror of it all, the sight of that still little ghost inside of me, my father’s handsome hands now gray, the death rattle (accurately named, and twice as horrifying as it sounds).

Come back to me, I would pray to them.

I didn’t pray for resurrection, but for recollection. Memories not of how they died, but how they were. And bit by bit, they did return: the shake of Aaron’s shoulders when he laughed (or danced), the joy of telling Aaron we were pregnant again, the memory of my dad buying a half pie at Kowalski’s…just for himself? First off, who buys half a pie and says, "actually, this half a pie is for me and me only.” My father.

The first year was so disorienting. So dehumanizing, because my own humanity was so uncomfortable to me. Because I wanted to be good at grief.

I listened to a TONY ROBBINS SELF-HELP BOOK!!!

ALONE IN MY FRIEND’S GUEST BEDROOM!!!

Wondering what was “wrong” with me?!?!

Geeze Louise.

Over the past few weeks, a YouTube video that I made a year ago and fully forgot about has started to get a lot (dozens, which for me is a lot??) of comments.

It is a bunch of stuff I would go back and tell that woman listening to Tony Robbins and crying alone, and stuff I will probably say until the day I die.

More Fun Grief Stuff!!!!!

Grief Games

I used to say I “hated games” but really, I just hate games that I don’t want to play. For months, I’ve been using my Nintendo Switch as a way to relax myself and…work through some grief? Because it turns out that there are a lot of games with grief as a theme. And just so you know, I’m only going to list Switch games because that’s the only gaming console my brain can handle right now! Also, if you get a switch lite, you can buy the games on your switch in the Nintendo store, but cartridges can be shared (if you’re into that kind of thing).

• Spiritfarer is one of my favorites (and routinely makes me cry because it’s…so beautiful). Your character’s job is to help ferry spirits to their rest, while having little adventures that also help you learn about them.

• Cozy Grove is a cozy game about grief, where you wander the forest and, as someone described it to me, “help the bears grieve.” Okay!

• What Remains of Edith Finch you’re Edith, and you spend the game exploring the last days of the rest of your family’s lives while trying to figure out why you survived.

Grief-y Episodes of Terrible, Thanks for Asking

My books, ranked in grief-order:

It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool, Too): FIVE TEARS

No Happy Endings: FOUR TEARS

The Hot Young Widows Club: THREE TEARS (and a great work of passive-aggression!)

BAD MOMS: TWO TEARS (for the mom trauma of it all)

HAPPYISH: ONE TEAR (reader must supply her own).