What I'm not doing this time.

Lessons from 2016-2021

Someday, being Chronically Online is going to be in the DSM.

And my photo will be there.

When I die, they will slice open my brain and find holes where the Internet ate clean through my lobes and folds¹ and left nothing but dark tunnels to nowhere. They might not even find a brain, actually, just a pile of dusty memes in my big ol’ cranium.

I grew up with and on the Internet, for better (hello, career!) and for worse (hello, stalkers!). I have littered the digital ether with LiveJournals and MySpaces and Tumblers and Tweets.

And I have — too many times — lost my absolutely mind on this place. And never was I worse — as a person and an online figure² — than from 2016-2021.

It was a terrifying time (though what did we know of the horrors to come) and I was a terrified person and did what many terrified people do: freak out on other people.

I was quick to judge (and point a finger or two), I was loud and annoying and righteous and — to paraphrase the best scene in Billy Madison — at no point in my rambling, incoherent speech did I make anything that resembled a point. I received no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

I am being somewhat dramatic — I maintain that saying racism is bad is a valid point! — but not that dramatic.

I spent a lot of time screaming into the online abyss, raising my cortisol levels, ignoring the world in front of me in favor of rage tapping at my screen. I do not think I changed a single heart or mind, aside from my own, and not for the better.

Since November 5, I have felt that same instinct — to blame, to rage, to get online and signal to the world that I Am Not Like Other People — and it feels like backsliding.

We live in a world where we are expected to perform our outrage or pain or our morality online, when the most important thing we can do is to live (actually in out in the world) in a way that reflects our values. So I am writing this as much for myself as for anyone else.

So here’s what I’m not doing this time…

1. Arguing online with people who believe 50-99% of what I believe. We simply have to aim our anger higher than at each other. Algorithms and overlords have convinced us that we are each other’s enemy, a distraction that has enabled *all of this.*

   We need to realize that wanting good things for the world and this country means knowing that we won’t all agree 100% on how we get there, and we need to remember that our shared nemeses are waaaaaay up top.

   Dionne Sims
   has written about this beautifully on her Instagram and in this piece.

   I want to be morally and ethically solid, while still having a soft heart and the courage to allow myself to be imperfect. I want to have more passion for breaking down systems than I’ve seen us have for bringing down individuals. I’m tired. and there’s fucking work to do.

   -Dionne Sims

   I got caught up in this the week of the inauguration and it was stupid and a waste of time and all I was doing was providing an outlet for people who feel scared and helpless and needed access to someone they could vent on (you’re welcome!).

2. Rubbing people’s nose in this mess. Did you know that this doesn’t actually teach your dog not to poop on the carpet, it just scares and confuses them and is considered abusive? I used to LIVE for the dunk (metaphorically, the closest I’ve gotten to dunking is being able to barely touch the rim my junior year of high school).

   I used to think it was so cute and cool and clever to throw people’s ideals and ideas back in their face and show them how wrong they were. There are people who voted for this administration who will suffer greatly. People who will lose their assistance, their careers, their homes, their livelihoods. I don’t think that’s funny, and I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to say, well, you fucked around and found out.

   Our country does better when we all do better, and that means everyone. We won’t make a difference in this world by saying, “oh you just found out that your vote actually means you lose your farm? LOL sorry, loser!”

   Hamilton Nolan
   is one of the best writers out there³, and this piece of his will truly restore your sanity.

   So stop moping around. We have the people! We have to bring them together. The numbers are on our side. Trump and Elon Musk are like two guys with six-shooters trying to hold a thousand people hostage. They only win if everyone thinks they are too strong to rush.

   -Hamilton Nolan

   I have to believe that most people are not virulent Nazis. I have to believe that the vast majority of people are living the effects of a country that demonized public education and a living wage and let social media companies rewire our brains and our sense of truth. I can’t spend this life believing that nearly half the country voted with hate in their hearts and their finger on the trigger of a bomb meant to dismantle our democracy. We know what we know, and we don’t all know the same things because misinformation spreads faster than measles in an unvaccinated county.⁴ Which is why I’m also not going to be…

3. Sharing every horrifying news story I see. There’s a fine line between spreading information and spreading panic, and I have felt the pressure to share things online to appease people who confuse Instagram Stories for activism (“I noticed you didn’t post about…”). This is not a natural way to live, and we do not need to keep our mouths on the firehose of trauma and tragedy in the name of Staying Informed. And on that note, I’m also not going to be…

4. Policing other accounts for what they don’t post. I do not need my Real Housewives to be political news sources. We need places online where we can get some reprieve from the horrors, we do not need everyone with a platform acting as though they are a news source. It is okay for people to provide nothing but lighthearted tomfoolery on the internet, it does not mean they are unfeeling, uncaring people!

What I’m doing instead…

1. Bullying elected officials. I felt very ragey this week after watching Elon Musk flapping his yap in the Oval Office so I called my Representative David Schweikert to give my two cents on the situation. A very nice young man named Gabe listened to all of my points and said he’d pass them along and I felt seen and heard and just as righteous as if I’d gone online to engage in the comments section.

2. Budgeting my rage. Tough stuff for a girl who loves to spend her feelings and her money! We know that Flooding The Zone is an effective strategy and it burns us all out and numbs us. If I’m flipping my lid on a commenter who is most likely a bot all I am doing is spiking my adrenaline and cortisol and my stupid body doesn’t know the difference between being chased by a tiger or explaining basic human dignity to someone with a Bible verse in their bio.

3. Pushing towards what I believe in, not against what I don’t. Isn’t that the same thing? Maybe, but it feels different to me. It means calling my reps, going to City Council meetings and school board meetings. It means knowing my neighbors and asking people what I can do to be the most helpful (literally nobody has said “get online and go nuts, babe!”). Our country is filled with people doing good things even in the face of so much hate and ugliness, and they need us to get behind them and put some more wind in their sails. A new friend of mine invited me to join a local chapter of Indivisible! I know what is important to me and that is where I’m putting my energy and money.

4. Remembering that I know nothing. I am here to stay curious and open, to keep my heart soft. To learn and grow, and allow the space for other people to do the same. I am not the Perfection Police and if I were, I’d have to put my own ass in jail because guess what? I HAVE ALREADY MESSED UP!

IDK maybe bullying billionaires on their own platforms is fine??

Yours in earnestness and imperfection,

Nora

• This caller made an AI version of his dead wife and I really want people to listen to this and think about it!

• If you’re lonely, you’re not alone.

• My January No-Buy

• And because the no-buy is over: sometimes it's the little things that keep us from totally losing it, like switching out our Pura diffuser with their collection from Allos. We have Calm (ylang pistachio) running every morning and Sleep (cardamom vanilla) running every evening.

• They discontinued my favorite volumizer so other fine-haired girlies on Instagram gave me their favorites and I rounded them up.

• Paid subscriptions are ALWAYS OPTIONAL and also help me pay the team who makes this work possible. Annual memberships are 25% off this month only (the next sale we’ll run is 20% off in August). This discount only applies to new memberships, which is a limitation of the platform and also kind of just how sales work sometimes, ya know? If you can’t afford a full membership, paid memberships also support “scholarships” because WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM! Just email hello@noraborealis.com and we’ll take care of you.

1. gagging at the combination of those words, sorry!

2. gagging again at the term online figure, sorry again!

3. I’ve had a crush on his brain since the Gawker days.

4. Too soon. Too soon.